Hello to all of my reader that has noticed that I haven’t posted in a while. I was struck with an unpleasant realization a while back and have been dealing with the consequences. I was/am a horder.
I had dealt with clinical depression for many years and still struggle with bouts of hopelessness from time to time. All tallied though, I thought I had come through to the other side and a new beginning. With a significant change to my life last year and having to move, I was struck with the realization that I had amassed a lot of stuff. I should have noticed some time before as hording is not unheard of in my family, but I failed to realize the magnitude of the situation.
You might ask the question, “What did you horde?” The answer to that lies in 3 main categories; things from my childhood when I was happy, remnants of projects abandoned in times of intense depression, and survival gear. I would say that all 3 are relatively obvious after a little thought. As to why I had kept all of this stuff, I do not have an answer. I amaze myself as I sort through the boxes and fill a seemingly endless stream of garbage bags.
I’m not writing this merely as a confession, I have also come to realize that I had lead myself into a false belief that the depression was over and there was no collateral damage. I also now understand that some of the hording was due to the fact that facing all of those memories again was hard as Hell, it violently brought my depression out of remission time and again. I faced the disgust of myself and others that bore witness to the monster I had created. I realized the shame and difficulty that people with such afflictions face. Finally, I am realizing what it takes to overcome such a problem and I am overcoming it one day at a time.
So I end with this ponder on the cusp of my 4th decade of life. What is the little secret that you have not yet been able to face, and are you willing to face it now? I urge you to find help and take steps now, before it becomes overwhelming.